What is homophobia when it's not homophobia?

I work in schools, but I don’t work for them.  I with a team of others who also go into schools, and work with teachers. We meet semi-regularity, and this is what happened last time we met.

It’s never come up before, but one of the teachers we worked with was worried about starting at a news school as a gay guy.  There was some discussion as to what the legal issues were (you can be out, but you have to be appropriate.  Usual vagaries that could protect or screw you, depending on who’s in power).  A senior staff member on this point said.:

“It’s ok (then she screws up her nose) as long as you don’t mention it to the kids”.  Because then you will contaminate their pure minds and recruit them like the deviant you are.

Before I rant, a disclaimer: I don’t get along overly well with this person.  And secondly, I have a post grad thesis with a focus on lesbian and gay teachers experiences in heteronormative environments.  I therefore feel superior in many ways.

That aside, she raises a common trope as well as my ire. She wouldn’t consider herself a homophobe and many observers would not either.  And what she said isn’t – there is no way I could call that homophobic to my HR department without looking like a hyper sensitive queer.  BUT.  But.  What she was implying was the ‘lesser than’ argument.  Or as I like to call it, the borrowed time implication.  For my mind, she may as well have said you are here and that’s fine, but it’s by my good grace, not your own natural humanity and inherent value as a member of society.

It (clearly) enrages me.  The lip curl.  The distain.  The inability to comprehend others difficulty.  This poor guy. He’s going into a straight, white environment.  And he is neither.  And this straight white woman is dismissive of him, and his queer brothers and sisters.  And she’s dismissive because she can be.

That was nearly the end of the conversation.  I said his concerns were valid, everyone nodded sagely.  We've come this far at least - perhaps 10 years ago it would have been a different response, or the issue would not have been raised. But now the overt homophobia is gone, and only it's sneak insidious silent cousin remains.