After being heckled by a 14 year old ("It's a hermaphrodite", which I surprisingly have not heard before), I thought I'd just feel lonesome and a bit disempowered. But there has been a surge of 'butch' media in lesbian cyber space, and the feeling was a little different. In the past week, Autostraddle ran this:
http://www.autostraddle.com/butch-please-butch-buys-a-drink-149798/
Which I quite empathised with, and then there was this too:
http://www.afterellen.com/content/2012/11/casey-legler-our-new-favorite-woman-working-male-model
As well as another one about African American butches in another online publications (ok, I lost that link).
And I know like it's not just me out there fucking with gender, so I didn't feel lonely like I usually do. But that's a double edged sword too, because in this regional high school four hours from my cosmopolitan lifestyle, my edgy butches comrades seemed as far away from me as . But I still had the knowledge that they might feel the things I do and, perhaps, they elicit the same reactions from people that I have. Sure, they do it elsewhere (on another continent, actually). But just like I was alone in the school that day, there is a butch somewhere bracing herself to go to a public bathroom. Or considering her clothing choice for that day and what that will mean for how her friends/strangers/colleagues will read her. Or some baby butch buying clothes from the menswear section for the first time.
So as I moved past lonesomeness I found a surprising roaring fire of rage. I was really pissed at this kid (and the one day before, and the one on the weekend), and pissed for other women in my shoes. The OUTRAGE was kind of liberating. And even if we're separated by distance and politeness (I wasn't going to start chatting to the cop in the street), we have a common bond. And just knowing that, not even acting on it, well, that's pretty powerful.
Hello, I just found your blog from a link on Butch Wonders. I know you wrote this post sometime ago, but as someone who is a "baby butch buying clothes from the menswear section for the first time" and who identifies as a boi, and works in HE, I just wanted to say thank you for writing. I come into my College daily and brace myself for how I'll be read and feel that lonesomeness. Reading how you feel this week made that easier.
ReplyDeleteAlex
Hey Alex,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your reply. While I don't keep this blog hugely active, it's a place for me to put my gender stuff down an I'm so glad someone out there in the ether gets it too. Keep up the good fight out there! The best thing we can do it be authentic, even if it's tiring sometimes.
Stay in touch - feedback makes me want to write more and feel like I'm not at it alone.
ie.