Butches and binding

In my more recent comfort, I've also been 'interrogating' butch, and how I feel it.  When I see the Meg Allen Butch photos (http://megallenstudio.com/butch/) I notice who binds and who doesn't.  I notice who's butcher than me.   I notice who's more ripped.   I notice that SF dykes seem WAY too cool.  And that bow ties STILL look stupid, even on the handsomest of folk.

The binding gets me though.  It feels like now a flat chest is butch.  A flat chest and hormones might be butch, might be trans.  But binding comes a little more standard. I don't bind, and my chest can give me away sometimes.  I modify my body in other ways - I work out, I wear really specifically cut t shirts so they don't cling to my curves.  Maybe I'm not that far off trying to bind, and hide my chest, my most feminine 'tell'. But for me the line in the sand is discomfort.

And really, I'm not trying to pass.  I'm trying to straddle a line that is still so unclear.  I'm ok with this body, I'm not ok with what it means to others.  And I hold that tension some days better than others.

The more things change..

After a nice work out at my gym, I went to get changed and go for a swim.  Hearing the call of a small child hailing my entry with 'THERE'S A BOY IN HERE' didn't totally ruin my day, but it did make me change REALLY. FAST.

It's winter.  I wear more clothes.  I forget, the beginning of each winter there's a sharp raise 'mis-gendering' and it always takes me by surprise.  I'd spent the day shopping for shoes, and three different sales assistants referred to me as 'buddy' and 'mate' - no woman here gets called that.  However, even by the end of the day, when I was literally taking my clothes off and being called 'A BOY' I was ok.  I guess I had other things on my mind.  And by the time I have my as butch-as-possible bathers on my clearly female body, things got easier.  Well, except for the swimming when it's raining and 13C.

It still surprises me how some days it cuts more than others.  I've had a busy six months, and I've felt at home in queer community, and visible in all the right ways.  As soon as I move out of that space, I am read as more male.  I think I have more confidence, maybe more swagger.  I've been identifying more as butch, which means being seen as male.

There's more on that.  Maybe I'll even write it.